Celebrating 20 Years!!!!

Posted on October 29, 2022 by Grandma's Ramblings

Laughing at how much I look like my Dad with my bald head!

Laughing at how much I ook like my Dad with my bald head!

This month I celebrate 20 years cancer free! I am so thankful to God that I am still here – a cancer survivor!

I think of all the things I would have missed:

Wedding and graduations of many of my grandchildren
Seeing my oldest daughter earned her Master’s in Education
Seeing my youngest daughter become an ordained minister in the Wesleyan tradition
The birth of my youngest granddaughter and several great grandchildren
All the many trips my husband and I have made exploring our great country
Perhaps most of all just the 20 years I have enjoyed life with my husband who is also my bff.

I kept a journal during the fight with cancer. Every year I get it out and read it again. Here are my thoughts from that journal during the first few days facing the battle ahead of me.

Day 1 – Cancer! A simple word describing a disease that other people get. Just a word. Until suddenly I hear the word as I get the results of my biopsy. Abruptly my whole world changes forever. Nothing will ever be the same again.

It all started when I found a lump in my left breast. Although I called and set up an appointment with my doctor, I told myself there was nothing to be concerned about. This would just be a benign tumor. Cancer would never happen to me! After examining me, my doctor assured me it was probably nothing. Cancer in the beginning stages, she told me, seldom hurts and boy did I hurt! It was probably a cyst. If so, they would insert a needle to remove the fluid, and all would be fine. Nothing to worry about.

Then why did she tell me not to leave until she had an ultrasound scheduled? Still, there is nothing to fear! Cancer happens to other people, not to me. I’ll grow old and die some day of a heart attack.

Day 2 – After the ultrasound the radiologist wants to speak to my husband and me. He tells us he is trying to get in touch with my doctor to recommend I have a biopsy as soon as possible. He tries to comfort us by saying that cancer is seldom painful in the beginning stages. I’m in so much pain, it’s probably just a benign tumor. If pain means no cancer, bring on the pain!

Day 9 – The needle biopsy is completed. It was supposed to be painless, but I have to have three shots before they can complete the biopsy. Lord, let it be good news.

Day 12 – It’s not good news. I have cancer. How can that be? Not me! I call my husband on his cell phone. He is coming to take me to lunch and when he answers the telephone, he starts chattering away, making nonsensical comments. I cut him off, “Honey, listen to me.” Now what do I say? How do I say that dreadful word? There’s no way to avoid it, no way to make it sound all okay. So, I just say it. “I have cancer.” His response is engraved in my memory. “I’ll be right there.”

Now I have to tell the kids. How do I tell my children their mother has – there’s that word again – cancer? The kids come hurrying over with their families. I can tell they struggle with the news. My two daughters who have never been at a loss for words when talking with me are now strangely silent. They seem to avoid even looking at me. How I long to take away their pain, but I am totally helpless. This is not like when they fell as little girls and scratched a knee. I can’t wash away the pain, can’t put a bandage and a kiss on it and make everything fine again. Cancer was never something we thought we would have to deal with. That happened in other families, not ours.

Day 13 – Finally, almost 24 hours after I get the news I have cancer, the kids go home and my husband runs an errand. I am alone at last to absorb the news. I take a bubble bath and as I relax in the warm water, the tears finally come. I cry and beg God over and over, “Please let me live! Please let me live!” Over and over comes this desperate plea.

I Have Hair!!!

Posted on October 27, 2021 by Grandma's Ramblings

Those who follow my blog know that I lost my hair 19 years ago after 16 treatments with three powerful chemo drugs following surgery for breast cancer. Although the doctor assured my hair would come back for years I did not. It was only a few years ago that we found out that one of the drugs I was given could cause permanent hair loss.

I was okay with that – I just wore a wig. No one ever knew it was a wig and were surprised when they found out.

Lately, however, I became tired of the wig. Old age I guess. I also was showing some hair growth – not much – very thin – but hair.

My two daughters encouraged me to take the wig off and see if my hair might grow back. They wondered if the wig might be preventing hair growth

I was scared – but I decided to take the plunge and do it.

My approach to difficulties of life has always been:

with a strong faith in God and a good sense of humor I can handle this.

So – I wrote a couple of blogs trying to make fun of my baldness.

Give Me Hair!!!

Little Miss Vain

Now – after about three months without the wig – I HAVE HAIR!!!!

It’s pretty thin – but it’s my hair!!!!

As it grew back it was a sloppy unkempt mess. I had to let it get some length before I could get it styled so for a few weeks I was so embarrased to go out in public – but I just remembered my prayer “Give me hair!” and was thankful that God was answering that prayer.

Finally a couple of weeks ago I was able to go to a beauty salon and get it styled. The stylist kept asking me if I wanted to use a curling iron or a blow dryer and how I wanted it styled. . Since it had been 19 years since I had any hair to comb or style, 19 years since I had been to a beauty salon, I put myself in her hands and trusted her to guide me through this.

So once again I have hair. It is not thick – it is not red – but it is my hair! I am getting used to the white/grey and actually beginning to like it.

I am so happy and grateful – I HAVE HAIR!!!

Hope in the Storm

Posted on November 4, 2020 by Grandma's Ramblings

As my husband and I age, we find we are no longer able to be as active as we once were. For years my husband was a pastor and I worked alongside him teaching Bible classes, playing for worship and all the many tasks that come with serving a community of Christians.

This year I celebrated 72 years of life and my husband celebrated 80. While most people that meet us do not think we are as old as that and we do remain alert and active, we find our bodies do not always want to keep up with our thoughts and desires to be productive. Many days the afternoon hours call for us to take a nap.

Still, because we have both experienced true miracles in times of serious medical problems, we desire to still give and help others. (I share these stories in these posts)

I’m Back With a Miracle Man!

Cancer Survivor

Since my husband loves to paint he recently painted a beautiful rainbow scene he called “Hope in the Storm.”

The rainbow to Christians is a reminder of God’s promise to Noah after the flood. To us when we see the rainbow after a storm, we are reminded of the hope we have that God is faithful.

After receiving several compliments on the painting and its message my husband decided to paint smaller versions of this rainbow and send to those we know who are battling a health issue. He has send ones to young people fighting leukemia, to a young woman fighting a heart disease and to several others with different ailments. It has been a joy to hear from them that the painting and the message it gives of “hope in the storm” is an encouragement to them.

It blesses me to see the joy my husband has received as many have told him how much his painting has meant to them.

It is so true that when you give to others, it comes back to you.

Can I say I’m proud of my husband that at 80 he still is thinking of ways to bless others?

If you would like to see more of his paintings, check it out at PWL Art Gallery.

https://www.facebook.com/PaulWLaneArtGallery/

Is It Faith in God – or Faith in Faith?

Posted on March 8, 2020 by Grandma's Ramblings

There seem to be so many articles out there on the web and in sermons today on the importance of believing in God when we pray….the importance of our words.

The Bible is clear that we need to believe in God when we express our petitions to Him. Even science tells us that what we think – what we speak does affect us. It is true that constant negativity will lead to depression and discouragement.

Having said that, I think we can take this “faith” issue to an extreme. A friend once told me to never say I was sick or depressed or worried. To her that displayed a lack of faith in God.

To me that is just a mind game.

I’m sick, I’m depressed, I’m worried, but if I don’t say it, if I don’t acknowledge I have some doubt, God will never know. He will answer my prayer because He will think what great faith I have. NOT!

If God is our Father, then isn’t it better to have a honest, open relationship with Him? A loving father would be one to whom we could express our deepest feelings and one who would love us and do what He could to help us with those feelings that are not good for us.

I’m so thankful that I believe God loves me not because I am such a great woman of faith, but because I am his daughter.

In the Bible a father brought his child to Jesus to be healed. When Jesus responded that all things were possible to one who believed, the man’s answer is one I have often prayed. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”

I think of the early church that was gathered in prayer when Peter was put in prison. In answer to their prayers, an angel came and rescued Peter. Hurrying to the place where the church was meeting, when Peter knocked at the door and a servant girl told those praying that Peter was at the door, they did not believe her.

Obviously they were praying with a lot of doubt. One could not really blame them. Just a few days earlier the disciple James had been put in prison and then beheaded. They had to be in fear that Peter also would suffer the same fate. In spite of doubts, they prayed and God answered.

Sometimes I pray with great faith fully expecting God to grant my request. Sometimes I pray with great doubt, afraid. But in both circumstances I pray.

I think perhaps that is the greatest faith. To pray to God and to trust that He in His wisdom will do what is best. To realize I don’t always have the answers and my ways may not be what is best.

Years ago when I met my oncologist for the first time and he told me the odds were not in my favor, the words from Psalm 23 went through my mind. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”

When God brought that verse to my memory at that moment I wondered:

Was He saying I was going to beat this disease, going to walk through the valley to more years of a cancer-free life?
Was He saying I was going to walk through this valley by dying and receiving that hope of eternal life?

I did not know which alternative He had for me, but what I did know was the verse told me I did not need to fear for He would be with me.

So – when I pray, I pray with trust that He is in control and that He will do what is best for me – and that I may not always know what is best. So – I pray and leave the results to Him.

My confidence, my faith is in who He is – not in how strong a believer I am.

66 Years of Grace

Posted on February 16, 2020 by Grandma's Ramblings

Listening to music this morning, this song brought tears – tears of joy – to my eyes. It has been 66 years since I started this race with Jesus Christ. There have been mountain tops of great joy, great excitement (to mention only a few – marriage, birth of children and grandchildren) and valleys of sorrow and pain (to mention only a few – death of first husband, oldest son and grandchildren, cancer). But one thing has remained true through it all – He has proved to be that “friend that sticks closer than a brother.”

Thank God for His grace. This song says it all!

I was just six years old. Too young many would say to know what I was really doing. But I knew.

Growing up in a family that attended church every Sunday and where my parents practiced what they preached on Monday through Saturday also, I understood that Jesus loved everyone – even “sinners.”

jesus love me

I wasn’t totally sure what all being a sinner included, but I knew I was not one.

Until one evening at church, I recognized I was.

I was coloring during the sermon on a Sunday night when I heard the speaker say

We put sins into a “big” and a “small” category. But sin is sin regardless of how big or how small it seems.

He then mentioned what we call “small” sin – like lying or disobeying our parents. Now he had my attention. Just that week I had disobeyed my mother – and then lied to keep from getting in trouble.

I was a sinner!

Now many may laugh at this or even say how terrible to make a six-year-old feel she was a sinner.

But for me, it was one of the most important times in my life. Because I knew that Jesus loved sinners – and that He loved me. I also knew what I needed to do.

So – I went back to coloring and waited until the end of the sermon. When the message was over, I put my colors and my coloring book aside and walked to the front of the church where I asked Jesus not only to forgive me, but I also committed my life to His service.

Yes, I was only six, but yes I knew what I was doing.

Shortly after that I was baptized as an outward sign of what had taken place in my life. Our church did not have a baptismal so we went to a farm pond where I, with several others, was baptized.

Scan_Pic0103

Since I am scared of water and do not even like having water in my face in the shower, it was a BIG step of faith to walk out into that pond.

But what a wonderful experience it was.

Scan_Pic0104

Just turning 72 this year, I have been following Jesus for 66 years.

It has been a great walk with a great friend!!!

The Battle is Not Mine!

Posted on February 2, 2020 by Grandma's Ramblings

Life is good for me. Retired with time to do what I want to do. Good husband who is my best friend. Children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren to love.

Still, like all of us, difficult times do come.

Right now I am facing health issues. I see the doctor tomorrow to review MRI results and I do not know for sure but it appears surgery may be in my future.

The first thing that often happens when faced with difficult circumstances is to start worrying. Stressing out – trying to figure what is the best thing to do.

Thankfully, God’s Word has always been a source of strength to me and today is no different.

Reading in 2 Chronicles 20 I was reminded of the story of King Jehoshaphat.

Messengers came to him with the news that a vast army of multiple nations was marching against Jerusalem, the capital city. The scripture says that Jehoshaphat was “terrified” by the news.

But I love what he did.

First, he turned to God and asked for guidance.

Second, he called for the people to begin fasting and seeking God.

Last, he led the people assembled at the Temple in Jerusalem in this amazing prayer of faith.

“O LORD God of our ancestors, you alone are the God who is in heaven….You are powerful and mighty….We are powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack us. We do not know what to do, but we are looking to you for help.”

He then turned to the people and gave them this message.

“Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army for the battle is not yours, but God’s.”

What is really mind-blowing is his next action.

He appointed singers to march before the army that went out to battle. They were to sing praises to God as they led the soldiers.

Can you imagine anything so silly? Can you imagine our president appointing a choir to march into battle before our airplanes, drones and soldiers?

Yet as I have often discovered in my own life, praising God in the middle of problems has often given me victory over my fear, over my despair.

I share that story in this post: The Day I Let My Pain Go!

So as I head into tomorrow and my doctor’s appointment I go realizing I do not know what to do. All I have to do is look back at my battle with cancer and remember that God is with me no matter what. Ultimately, the battle is His. As He was with me then, He is with me now.

My story of His presence in the middle of radiation is shared here: Coincidence or An Act of God?

My prayer today is:

God, I don’t know if this only means physical therapy or if I am facing surgery with weeks/months of recovery. I don’t know if the pain will soon be gone, get better, get worse or last for weeks/months. But this I do know, as You have always been with me, You are with me in this. The battle is yours. I give it to You. All I ask is that You help me to keep my eyes on You.

My Cancer Buddy

Posted on January 28, 2020 by Grandma's Ramblings

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer 17 years ago my oldest daughter bought me a small porcelain doll – a little clown. All through my treatment the little doll sat on my desk at work smiling at me and encouraging me that I was going to make it through this tough time.

As I lost my hair during the treatment and it began to come back in grey I really liked that underneath that hat my buddy had grey hair too.

Although my hair did come back – it never came back thick as it had been before the treatment. In fact, it is so thin that I have continued to wear a wig because I am almost bald.

At first the idea of having little hair was depressing, but I decided to not dwell on the negative, but find the positive.

Wearing a wig meant no bad hair day. Think of the hours I save not sitting in a beauty shop. Financially I was also ahead of the game. Granted wigs are not cheap – but they are still a better deal than all the money spent on hair cuts.

As I adjusted to the “almost bald” head, one day I accidentally bumped the doll and it fell on its side. As it did so, the hat came off and I found that my cancer buddy had also gone bald.

Just like me she had a small amount of hair toward the back of her head but basically she was bald. Laughing, I discovered the hair had come off in her hat.

Now that I am retired, the doll sits on the desk in my home office. I keep her hat on so she won’t be embarrassed by her bald head. But every and now then I take it off and have a good laugh.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Posted on October 7, 2019 by Grandma's Ramblings

You will see lots of pink ribbons this month as October has been designated as Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

In 1979 wife of one of the prisoners held by Iran in the hostage crisis decided to use a yellow ribbon to show support for her husband. Soon there were hundreds of yellow ribbons displayed around the country to show support for our brave men being held captive. The history of a yellow ribbon goes back hundred of years. It is believed that the Puritans brought the story in a song of a women who wears a yellow ribbon to remember her love who has gone away to war.

‘Round her neck she wears a yeller ribbon She wears it in the winter and the summer so they say If you ask her, “Why the decoration?” She’ll say, “It’s fur my lover who is fur, fur away”

Since then many groups have used a colored ribbon to bring awareness to their own cause.

Red ribbon – AIDS awareness and for heart disease
Orange ribbon – leukemia awareness
Green ribbon – mental illness awareness
Purple ribbon – Alzheimer’s awareness

And the list goes on and on.

Breast cancer is something all women should be aware of. Men can also get this disease but they count for only a small percentage of all cancer cases.

As a cancer survivor I encourage all women to do all they can to prevent this disease. Some important things to consider:

Maintain a healthy weight
Stay physically active
Eat fruits and vegetables
Do not smoke
Limit alcohol consumption

I also strongly recommend a monthly self-exam. John Hopkins Medical Center states:

“Forty percent of diagnosed breast cancers are detected by women who feel a lump, so establishing a regular breast self-exam is very important.”

This is how I discovered my cancer.

If you discover a lump or are told you have breast cancer, please do not panic. If discovered in the early stages, survival rates are usually 100%. Even in later stages, treatment keeps advancing and survival rates keep going up.

For me my diagnosis was not good. I was told without any further treatment after surgery, I had only a 15% chance of being alive in ten years. With a vigorous treatment of chemotherapy and radiation, my survival rate went up to 25%. But here I am 17 years later cancer free.

As my husband said when we received the terrible diagnosis:

“It is not over until God says it is over.”

Another cancer survivor whose diagnosis was worse than mine but who survived for years told me:

Don’t worry about the statistics. That is all they are – numbers. Make your own statistic.

But do your self-exam monthly!!!!

Thank God for Mondays!

Posted on September 23, 2019 by Grandma's Ramblings

We often complain about Mondays. Back to work, back to school.

Since I am now retired Mondays are different I must admit. I can sit with a second cup of coffee and just relax while many have to hurry off to a job that may be stressful, to a school they do not like.

Still, this morning when someone asked me on social media how I felt about Mondays, I could not help but reply as a cancer survivor Mondays mean that God has given me another week of life.

I pray today for those struggling with difficult job or school situations. But I hope in the midst of those difficulties, they can see something to encourage them.

As for me, given another week of life I say:

I Can Only Imagine!

Posted on August 29, 2019 by Grandma's Ramblings

In the fall of 2002 I was diagnosed with an advanced and very aggressive cancer. Hearing my doctors words, “The odds are not in your favor,” I realized I was heading into the battle of my life.

Would I live or would I die?

Facing your own mortality changes the way you look at the world. Some things that seemed so important no longer matter.

What difference does it make if I do not get that promotion I wanted.
Who cares if the windows need washed?

Other things take on a new importance.

Reading a book to my granddaughter.
Taking a walk with my husband.

During that long year as I lost my hair and my strength became less and less, I thought about the very real possibility that I would never see another birthday.

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We took a picture of me with my Dad and we laughed at how much I looked like him with my bald head.

Throughout it all I had a deep assurance that whatever the end result, it would be fine. When I first heard those terrible words from my doctor, I immediately thought of the scripture that says:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me.

Feeling at that moment God had given me that scripture for this battle, I did not know if it meant I would walk through the valley and come out on the other side alive and well. Or, did it mean I would walk through the valley into death?

For me, it did not matter which it meant. What comforted me was the assurance no matter what the outcome, God would be with me.

As the treatment continued and my strength got less and less, I began to think perhaps it meant I was walking through the valley into death. Thoughts of exactly what that would mean kept running through my head.

Then, I heard a song that had been released just the year before. It had become the most played Christian single in 2002 and you could not listen to any Christian radio station without hearing it. In fact, it became a main stream hit in 2003 hitting the top 40, adult top 40 and country radio lists.

In the song the writer talks about trying to imagine what he would do when he stands before God in heaven. He questions:

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all?

Listening to that song over and over, I tried to imagine what I would do when I stood before Jesus? Slowly in my mind a picture began to take place. I saw myself standing with my hands raised in the air and dancing round and round the throne of God.

Wanting to live for my family, yet there were moments I wanted to see that vision fulfilled and to dance for Jesus.

I did not share this thought with my family. For them, I continued to maintain a strong belief that I would live.

When all my treatment was finally over, my youngest daughter took me to lunch to celebrate. She arrived with a gift for me. It was a Willow Tree angel.

When I saw it, I almost cried with joy. The angel she gave me was the exact vision I had of me with hands raised dancing around the throne of God.

So grateful that I survived that battle and God has given me many years beyond what the doctor said I would have. Still, as I age I know before many more years pass, I will be facing my eternal destiny. I have no idea what I will do on that day when I see Jesus, but I hope I can dance for Him.

A movie has been made about the life of the young man who wrote this song. If you have not seen the movie, I highly recommend it. It is an inspiring story of what God can do to change a monster into a good father. The move has the same title as the song, “I Can Only Imagine.”