Continuing with my Friday’s list of quotes to bring wisdom or laughter (this one I confess will be more laughter than wisdom), here is a list of things you will NEVER hear in church.

1. Hey! It’s MY turn to sit on the front pew!      
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.      
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.      
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.      
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.      
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.      
7. I love it when we sing songs I’ve never heard before!      
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!      
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.      
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.

If you like the laughter, check out my other lists.