I Never Thought It Would Hurt This Much!

Precious Hope

Precious Hope

 

 

 

 

I never thought it would hurt this much!

Almost two years ago my daughter and son-in-law began a journey to adopt twins.  Their mother had died shortly after giving birth.  Since there was no father in the picture, these little babies needed help if they were to survive.  My daughter and son-in-law reached out in love to provide that help.

As I looked forward to being a grandmother again, I imagined that when I first saw the twins my feelings would be those of any one who sees precious little babies.  I would feel compassion and warmth, even affection.  As the days and weeks passed, I envisioned that as I helped give them a bath, sang to them, rocked them to sleep, that warmth and affection would grow to be the love of a grandmother.

Then tragedy struck! 

Less than 3 months their birth, little Jacobi Israel died.  I was heart-broken then.  But my pain was for my daughter.  As I saw the sorrow and pain in her eyes, my heart ached for her.  As for me, I only felt regret for what would not be.

Then my daughter went to West Africa and actually spent time getting to know Precious Hope.  As I saw the pictures and the videos of Precious taking her first steps and heard her little voice making those first baby sounds, something happened that I did not expect.  I fell in love with that little girl – without ever singing to her, rocking her to sleep, holding her close to me.  She was my granddaughter!  There was not compassion and warmth in my heart – there was a grandmother’s love.  I could hardly wait until my daughter and son-in-law could bring her home to us.

Then tragedy struck! 

Almost a year from the death of Jacobi, little Precious died also.

I never thought it would hurt this much!

While I felt such sorrow for my daughter and son-in-law, my grief was for myself – for the granddaughter I almost had.  For all the dreams I had for her and me – dreams that would not happen now.

I suppose no one who has not walked down that scary, unpredictable road of adoption can understand my feelings.

Today Precious would have been two years old.  I thought today we would be celebrating her birthday.

I never thought it would hurt this much!

Although I will never hold her in my arms in this life – I still count her and Jacobi as my grandchildren and I look forward to the day I can embrace them and tell them how much I love

them!

I never thought it would hurt this much!

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s